So, I got a new livejournal.... * thecauseofdeath I have no friends. You can add it if you'd like. I'm not going to add anyone, unless they add me first. And only add me if you wish to continue reading my bi-polar ass entries, and if youre going to comment. Yep.
1.) Fuck anyone who might assume that for some reason, just because of the fact that I wear and spend $180 on jeans and sometimes $200, I wear high heels, and I own a lot of expensive clothing and name brand shit, that I am in anyway conceited, think I'm better than you, and over the top materialistic. FUCK YOU. I have a fucking job that pays me $8.25 an hour, and for someone my age, that is a lot of money to be cashing every payday for 48- maybe even 50 hours. I earn everything, and I work hard for the shit I get. I do not in anyway try to show off, I do not talk in person very much about the clothing I wear, maybe sometimes on livejournal I have posted an entry or two about wanting more or new clothes, and have mentioned wanting other expensive things. I CAN FUCKING AFFORD IT. Don't ever, ever fucking call me materialistic because I have nice things. I wear Frankie B's and Diesels and Rock & Republic's because no other jeans fit me like those jeans do, they look good, and they are straight. I don't wear and spend a lot of money on pants because of their name, I wear them because of the quality and the way they fit. Get over it. Don't hate. Don't judge, and don't talk shit about it.
2.) I am not self-absorbed, I do not think the world revoles around me. I don't expect anyone to tell me or call me beautiful, I don't fish around for compliments. That's not me. DO NOT say that I am a bitch unless you know me personally, or I have done something in a case that involved you, or your friends that allowed you to judge me at the time. Just because I say that I can be one, does not give you the right to call me one unless I have been rude to you, or have been one to you. I don't fucking need people wasting their time and effort to call me this or that, or say that i'm a stuck-up bitch when they haven't ever had any verbal contact with me in person, or online, or in any situation that I knew they were present.
3.) Everyone can just fuck off. I cannot fucking wait for school to be over, and I cannot wait to get the fuck out of that shitty ass high school. Fuck a reputation, and rumors, and fucked up people who go out of their way to make everything annoying for me. And FUCK my english teacher for pissing me off and failing me for no damn reason, when I have turned in everything, and have gotten A's and B's on every assigment. Fuck you. She plays favorites and calls me materialistic. Get me the fuck over with high school. It fucking sucks ass.
This will be my last entry. I have yet another livejournal. :]
dont you ever give up. don't you ever give in. because i know we're gonna make, it's not too late. no. we're gonna make it. yeah.
Keep on concentrating on the brighter side of life Don't let them get you down.
So today I cleared my absences so I could go to prom. It'll be good. This is it. School is pretty much almost over. I can't seriously fucking believe it. I'm glad alicia is going now too. Haha yeah. Alicia, and Kyle, Fab and JT, Nicole and Brian, and me and Jakey. Hope this turns out to be a good night, i'm gonna get a pro ass dress and cute ass shoes. I talk to my dad today! Haven't seen him for like months. Shit. Yeah almost forgot he existed. I love and miss him though. He has a house now, and his girlfriend lives with him, and she's pregnant. He said he's gonna give me four hundred dollars on Saturday. I hope everything goes as planned this weekend and tomorrow night. Shannon is over right now, we're smoking a fat blunt and listening to damian marley, and you can all suck a fat roach invested lice decaying cock! New livejournal. Faaaaaaaaaaack.
i feel warm inside like a fresh out the oven cupcake. with no frosting on top. night, no day, wait. time? eh.
Jake, you fucked up. Glad to know that all of a sudden you get to justins and you cant talk to me anymore. pretty fucking pathetic if you ask me. our relationship means shit to you i guess. thanks a lot you asshole.
well fuck! im pissed off. jake thinks that its okay to get high and not care about telling me, yet i cant drink without telling him or he flips??!!! Naaahhhh daaaawggg!
So this past weekend, i actually bought some new stuff, and all of it looks different from the other! A red and white striped dress. A white button up shirt that has blue and yellow flowers on it, and a white undershirt for it. Two ugly big ass hair clips from forever 21. A pair a tight jeans from nordstroms, and a shirt that is really fucking cute from nordstroms as well. oh and a stud belt, ive been needing one since like forever. and yeah. im going to buy jake some diesels for his birthday. but he's gonna get them like a month early. and i love my best friend, she is the bestest friend in the whole wide world. and today we didnt go to school. we went to peets coffee and tea, then to citywalk. and we got free massges, and i treated to lunch at buca di beppo. and now we both have work together today. a shitload of people didnt come to work because of the walk out but its ok. and yeah. im really in love with my boyfriend. what the fuck. immmm so happy. and i miss my cat weishu. and yeah. fackkkk. bye. my lunch break is over.
I understand that in life there are many journeys, many roads, and many winding and complicating paths that lead us in all different directions. Each path that we walk down, we chose to walk down it ourselves. Down these paths there are often rough stops, and bumpy obstacles that are very hard to overcome. That is life. A life without suffering, is not really a true human life at all. Because, with life comes suffering. Every person in the world must face some challenges in their story. Whether these challenges be tough or easy, tragic or happy endings. The things that make all these challenges and journeys harder, are the unneccessary situations that we get our selves into by not thinking at all before we do these things. We deserve all the consequences for the mistakes that we have created for ourselves. Don't complicate, don't destroy something that could be ultimately beautiful. I know you look outside and the world is full of ugly. People are ugly. They are fake, they are cheaters, they will cheat you. Some people will even try to mislead you. They hide behind masks of all different sorts of materials. Let them hide. They are pathetic anyway. Go on and let them be their un-selves. As long as you know that you are you. I am me. Let's create something wonderful, something pure. No lies, nor deceit, no hate, no evil. Let's pray every night before we lay our heads to rest. Dear lord please save my soul, God keep us safe. Let tomorrow come. Let the world know what you are. For I am ready to love. I love you. Amen.
Yes. I know, probably none of you could possibly understand. I couldn't possibly put how I feel, or have written about the state i'm in any better than that.
I really feel like disappearing right now. I really feel like I should just isolate myself into a little corner and not speak to anyone. I'm just so sick. I'm so sick of repetition, and people saying how all I do is talk shit. I guess I should just keep how I feel to myself, and save all my wasted energy and put it into something else, like a nulcear explosion. K. I'm out. I feel like I fell in love all over again last night. bye.
Today had to be one of the most eventful days i've had since like, forever, shit I don't know. Eventful in a bad way, and eventful in a weird way. My grandma's funeral was this morning, it was way too emtional. My aunt was crying all over my grandma's casket trying to go down with her when they were lowering her into the ground. It made me feel so depressed about life, and I almost felt as if reality actually settled in with me. Death is always a reason to bring families together. It's sad how I haven't seen those people in years, yet this woman's death brought us all together, crying and sobbing, tissues, and roses, dirt, caskets. I can't take death seriously. It doesn't ever sink in that someone is gone to me, that they won't ever be here again, to talk to you, say they love you, hug you. I can't bring myself to ever realize how much hurt my grandma's sons and daughters felt. It's just too scary to feel what they feel. If I ever lost my mother, I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably be holding onto her casket too. It's just too harsh of a situation to be in. It's sad. And so life goes on. And so after her funeral, we left and tried to find our way back home. On the way home, we stopped at Whole Foods on 3rd and Fairfax, and it was amazing. We looked around at the shopping center the Grove. That place is just WOW. I fell in love with it. Then in a good mood, sharing green and black's chocolate, some fucking asian faggots decided to stop abrubtly on a flowing street of traffic, out of fucking nowhere! Assholes! My mom paniced and didn't hit the brake fast enough. It just all happend so fast. And we hit the stupid car. The impact was so bad. My mom's car is totaled, my neck is fucked up, and my ribs hurt so fucking bad. I'm so thankful for our seatbelts. So triple A towed my mothers' car, and they dropped us off a some auto mechanic place, and we sat for two hours doing nothing. In pain. And finally, randomly, since no one could pick us up, the secretary said she couldn't take us all the home, but she could give us free passes and drop us off at the Metro Goldline. So she did. And we took the train. And my mom and I fell asleep on eachother, twitching and feeling shitty. But just being with my mom, and coming out of this okay made me feel so comforted. I really fucking love my mother so much. And on the way home on the train, some random old lady started talking to us about how young and pretty we were. Then she says, " So, are you two best friends, or sisters?" Psh, and then my moms' like, "haha, no she's my daughter. She just turned 18 yesterday, and me, 35, 3 weeks ago, crazy isn't it?" I love my mom. And I don't care that she's young, because she's fuckin tight. And she bought me a Scrapbook shirt at Nordstrom. SO yeah. I really want to go to transistor tonight.
Today it rained quite hard. I had to work tonight, and also had to go on one long cartrun. They helped me suit up into rain-proof bright yellow overalls and a big matching jacket with a huge hood. So there I was singing to my self in the rain, un-touched by the cold fast dropplets that flood all dips and low spots of the parking lot. It was fun. I felt so weird being in the rain for that long and not feeling that disguist that I always feel from being soaked or wet to my knees. I could just walk as slow as I want, take my time, and walk into deep puddles. I do hate the rain though. So my life is somewhat stable at the moment. I'm just very over-emotional lately, and super critical of everthing. I wish I wasn't. I've just been so worried about my relationship with Jake. Nothing is wrong with us, I just get worried sometimes. Worried that all happiness doesn't last too long or runs off into outspace somewhere. I don't want us to have any more fallouts. I mean, I know he told me that he's getting stronger everyday, and he's ready for anything that life has to throw at him, because he won't fall apart over anything anymore. And when he told me these things, I don't know, it just made me feel as if, I don't know, like as if he was trying to say, you broke my heart once, and if it comes again, I won't be shocked, i'll be prepared to get over you. I cried on the phone last night so much to him about this, and he was so on a different level from me. He said I was wrong, and that I was thinking too much about something he didn't even mean by that. That he didn't mean anything of that sort, not at all. But I don't know, I get weird. Especially with the people I care about most. And I feel so alone lately. I know I have Shannon and Alicia, but they seem so spacey and bored. Like we don't even talk much, and if I do talk with Alicia it's about something random. I don't know, just don't feel like I can always tell her everything that's on my mind when I want to. Have you ever been talking to someone, and then out of nowhere, something you say reminds them of a situation they had, and they ignore the rest of your story and start talking about themselves, like totally disregarded what you were trying to say? Well I get that a lot with her. She doesn't understand, or really noticed. She's easily distracted. Not a big deal, but it bugs me at times. It's not a crime that I feel that way, just people get so offensive about themsevles, we all do. Especially when it comes to criticism, or pointing out peoples faults. And Shannon always seems so depressed, damn, it makes me feel depressed. I just wish the same things wouldn't happen everyday. I want to be more active with my life. Take control of what I want to do, instead of wasting my time away with things that don't matter, like gossiping and shit like that. I don't want to worry or care about what's going on in my non-close friends lives. Why care to mention, "Oh did you hear this and that...". Shit. Teenagers are so stupid. I'm stupid. This weeks' depressing. My birthday. I really want to go to more clubs. I turn 18 on Wednesday. So here I come moscow, and transistor, and bang! Pfft. Wednesdays, my plans are, waking up realizing I'm 18, then going to my great grandma's funeral. Recelebration of my birth, and the mourning of a death. Life, and it's cyle. Miraculous, and intriguing. Amazing how I was once a little tiny pip-sqeek sort of life, that evolced into this girl that I am today. Funny how we come into the world as babies, wearing diapers, unable to take care of ourselves, and we go right back through that again when we get old. Too old to make it to the potty, so we have to wear diapers. And get sick easily, and disease infects our bodies. It's so strange, the cycle. This earth, this life. So damn crazy. But, yeah. Sigh. I want to be more on-track with everything I do. Make progress in some certain areas and aspects of my life each day in different ways. Make a book, write more poetry. Nothing inspires me anymore. I want to be inspired. I want someone to read my shit and say, "wow, that was really great, I can relate" or something like that. Instead the usual, I liked that, or 'it's good.' That's just so typical to hear. And i'm sick of it. I want Jake to be more open about new things, and to new ideas. He's so stubborn in so many ways. Jake please make up stories when I ask you to. Please be open to more things. Don't get irratated when I want to go on an adventure. Don't be so bored that I want to do little kid things, and lay on my couch and watch Disney movies with you. Because to me, that's so comforting, and it feels so wonderful. I hate how no one can get me. Ahhh. I need more sleep.
School is so boring I wanna seriously stab myself in the eye. I lack creativity lately. I seriously really need to get back into drawing so bad. Like really bad. I need something to do on my free time.
I'm completely utterly obsessed with my boyfriend. i love you jake.
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